3 years later ...

It's been a long time between drinks. So long I forgot I even had this blog.

Maybe I'll be forgiven with the following pictures as apology ...

Yes, her mouth is well packed in every photo.

So let me know if you want more. Until then ...

Better Times

This time, rather than relying on words, I think I'll illustrate some changes with a few pictures. More to come (hopefully!) ...

Here Endeth the Relationship

So I started this blog with the intention of working out a few writing demons. Hoping to get the taste back for sitting down at a keyboard and creating. Clearly, that didn't pan out, and for the longest time (ie. 2010) I wondered why.

Well now I know.

It was because of my girlfriend.

Like too many of my past relationships, we were gung-ho out of the blocks. And by that I mean: intense. There's absolutely no other word for it. Two commitment phobics throwing caution to the wind and going at it like there was no-one else in the world. She had issues; I had issues. We had issues.

It's just that hers were bigger than mine.

I doubt there's many people out there who can't relate to falling passionately head over heels in love, and sharing something so intense it cannot possibly be sustained. Fewer people, however, would have that experience and believe they've found their sexual soulmate.

She loved rough play before we met, so it wasn't a difficult process for me to add bondage to proceedings. She loved being complimented and dressing up on special occasions, so it was easy for me to buy her the type of clothes and underwear I wanted to see her bound and gagged in. Within a few months of meeting, she was the one going to fetish stores and coming back with what she wanted to wear or play with. Our first Christmas together, we exchanged normal gifts in front of family and friends, and then fetish-oriented gifts behind closed doors.

Her own kinks came to the fore. She wanted to be in charge some of the time. And when she was, she was anything but gentle. This was something completely different for me, but with her, I enjoyed it.

I thought I'd found my sexual and relationship Nirvana.

But then, the inevitable happened: The intensity started to fade. It happened gradually enough that I didn't realise what was occurring until the relationship was almost beyond repair. So I rallied ... and saved us. I know that sounds like a big statement, but for the first time in my life, I didn't walk away the moment my partner began to falter. Instead, I argued for us. I showed her that neither of us had done anything to try and fix what had gone wrong. One night she even said she didn't love me anymore. But I stayed. And she broke down, and told me it wasn't true - she did love me - she just didn't know how to be when she got too close to someone, and I accepted it all because I knew I could be the stronger one. I knew I could get through her exceedingly well-established defences. I convinced myself we could get back to what we had. If only I stayed strong ...

I was wrong.

Well, partly wrong. In terms of companionship, the following six months were very close to our first six months together. We spent more time together than ever before and (I'm fairly sure I can speak for her here) we both genuinely enjoyed that. But the passion wasn't there. The kink factor was almost absent. Sure, she almost always had a good excuse, but as enough time passed, my patience began to wear thin. Our relationship had gradually become all about her. But I stayed on. I was determined.

I was wrong.

We played perhaps three times in our final six months together. I took photos of a couple of those sessions and one of them graces this post. She dressed up and I tied her up, and for those few hours, hope shone brightly through my life.

I was wrong about that too.

A few weeks ago, she came to me and said she didn't think she was happy enough being with me. She said she didn't know if she could do a proper relationship - whether she was even capable of it. She admitted to having feelings for someone else, but claimed not to have acted upon them. (If she did it could only have been in the days immediately preceding our split because we otherwise spent almost every night together. For those final few days, I was overseas on holiday, and this apparently gave her too much time to think.) She also said she needed to hurt me, to keep me at arm's length. She offered up a small glimmer of hope by querying whether she was doing the right thing, but this time I didn't take it.

I was over carrying the relationship. I'd done everything I could and everything she'd asked (a fact she even confirmed at that time). I was totally and utterly emotionally spent.

So it ended. We caught up one time after the split - to exchange items and keys - and she was extremely upset. She didn't want to let go, repeated her concern that she was making a mistake, and drenched my T-shirt with her tears. I cried with her, but beyond that the most I could do was tell her to "Call me if you ever sort your shit out." That might sound harsh, but when you've given your everything to a relationship and been rejected because of someone else's issues stemming from a distant past, you're not likely to be thinking straight. Hah! I know I'm still not. Sure, we maintain irregular contact by text, but I can feel even that fading away. As it probably should...

So now I come to the point of this post (if we overlook the fact that it's also meant to be cathartic for me; to purge some of what I've been carrying these past few weeks). Is it harder for people in a kink-infused relationship to split? Does it add an extra layer to your grief wondering if you'll ever again share something so amazing and so deeply personal with any other person?

I think the answer is yes, and I suspect you might be hearing more about this in the coming weeks. I'll do my level best to actually get back to talking bondage in between those posts, however, so stay tuned for more of the good stuff ...

And now I'm seeing footage of the Japanese tsunami, and thinking how truly petty the above is. Pain, however, is not relative; it's personal.

More Specific Fetishes #1: Gags

If bondage is the broadest fetish I consider myself unable to do without, there are a number of others - some directly associated, others less so - that have also evolved into essential elements of my personal lifestyle. The first and most important of these are gags.

I'll be direct: I'm a bonafide "gag snob". For me, bondage is barely bondage without a gag. If the tied up person is easily able to yell for help, a whole heap of the magic is taken away for me. I'm often wondered why this one part of bondage carries such weight in my mind. Surely, if a woman has her hands tied tightly behind her back, het ankles are also cinched, and there's some more elaborate ropework holding her arms to her sides and nicely outlining her breasts, that should be enough?

Well truth be told, it almost always isn't. Be it the fact the woman can't communicate when she's wearing a gag, making her that much more helpless, or that aesthetically I've always loved the way a gag sets off the the rest of the facial features, or knowing that gags are (usually) uncomfortable and restrict the breathing of the gagged person - in and of itself a turn on - I'm not entirely sure. Hell, it could be that I'm simply sick of hearing people batter me with words all day long! Whatever it is, a gag is something I always prefer when engaging in bondage. On a girlfriend, when watching bondage porn, or even when seeing the heroine kidnapped on mainstream TV. No gag = lesser interest.

I've accepted this, and more than that, embraced it. My fetish for gags has grown over the years until I'm also disappointed with a single piece of tape, or a thin cleave gag, or even a straight forward ball-gag. Instead I like to see my partners or subs gagged with multiple layers. Packing the mouth with some form of stuffing is a major must. Then tape or some form of cloth to hold it in. Then it's time to consider another layer - say, something like vet wrap or coban - to make sure that second layer doesn't slip. Honestly, if I had a sub who enjoyed the experience, I'd go further, likely swathing their head in scarves, or at least adding a layer that covered their nose. This of course makes it more difficult to breathe, slowing the sub down if she's testing her bonds, or making it more difficult to escape in a role-play scenario. Obviously safety is a key factor if you're going to go this far - never leave a sub alone if they're gagged with anything that is impeding their breathing or could slip down their throat!

In terms of my partners over the years, I've had some who loved being gagged, others who tolerated it for my sake, and one or two who hated it. In the latter case, they would only allow it in a role-play situation where being gagged would be a neccesity - but for "normal" love-making (Hah! What's normal again?!) they only liked to be bound. This honestly meant I struggled to enjoy myself as much. Which, now that I think about it, makes it odd that I stayed in these relationships longer than any other I've had. Fortunately - or perhaps it could be attributed to a better selection process - more recent partners have all enjoyed being gagged or at least been happy to play along most of the time. My current gorgeous girl is still earning her bondage wings, but thus far has enjoyed being gagged so she can scream as loudly as she wants and not have the police descend upon us. I've yet to try a fully layered gag like that described above as she hasn't had her mouth packed, but she has liked her mouth being taped with and without a cleaving scarf gag first, and loves wearing the harness gag she purchased. Clearly being greedy, I've suggested that packing her mouth with her underwear is next on the agenda, so we'll see how that goes...

The images here depict some aspects of my gag fetish. The first above is of one of my favourite models from one of my favourite websites, Gina Rae Michaels. Her mouth is densely packed and she is held mute but the tape sealing her lips. Below is an example of an over the nose gag that I also enjoy seeing on women (assuming there's something packing her mouth and properly holding it in place beneath all that cloth ;-) Until next time, enjoy!

Do I Tell Her?

Let me go back in time a bit. Well, okay, a lot.

I was 18 and had been aware of my "weird" sexual interests for a number of years. I'd fooled around a little in high school but hadn't gotten to the point of being close enough or feeling comfortable enough with any one girl to tell her what I really liked. Then, not long after my 18th birthday I met the girl I'd go on to spend the next five or so years with. If memory serves we slept together for the first time after a couple of months (it was her first time and only my second so you can probably imagine how awkward that was), and soon thereafter I decided to go for broke.

Being 18 and having no clue how to reveal something deeply personal about myself, I think I did reasonably well. Especially given we'd only recently watched Whispers in the Dark - a mainstream film infamous in the bondage community for depicting some intense bondage ideas and imagery, but sadly portrayed all people into the lifestyle as depraved in one form or another - and the girlfriend had been aghast at what happened to the main character in the film. I remember thinking "Oh well, that's it, I'm never going to get to tie her up", but a couple of months later, I started talking about how I wasn't keen to let her go home because we were enjoying ourselves so much. A few more comments along those lines led to her playing along. She'd ask how I planned to stop her, and with a casual smile, I'd respond that I could tie her to my bed. She'd giggle and kiss me and, showing considerable restraint (pun intended), I let the thought sit with her for awhile. Eventually, during one such conversation, I asked if I really could tie her hands to the bed legs (not having a usable bed-head at that point in my life). She was cautious but open to experimenting. So experiment we did ... and a door was opened to a whole new world for me.

(Btw, it's probably obvious, but the image I've used here isn't mine. I simply want to illustrate each post with at least one summarising image, and this one was found randomly on a flickr site. Full credit to the original photographer, but if said person wants it removed, just let me know. Ok, obligatory disclaimer is now done. Back to the blog ...)

I'll come back to talk more about that relationship and the steep learning curve I went through, but I've always been proud of the slow and measured way I managed to "come out". I've used that same technique on any serious relationship I've had since, and I can honestly report it's worked 90% of the time. Bear in mind, I'm obviously not talking about a very short-term casual thing - on those occasions I said nothing and just enjoyed the experience of being with someone new. Even in reference to the 10% of the time it didn't work for me, it wasn't as if the woman in question screamed and charged out of the room, heading to the nearest police station. She was actually quite open, but I never got round to engaging in any bondage with her before she travelled overseas and the relationship came to an end.

All of which is my long-winded way of saying, if bondage is your thing and you're with someone who doesn't know: How much of yourself are you sacrificing for the sake of the relationship? Is it truly worth it? If so, more power to you. But if you have doubts, I'd always advocate openness and honesty.

Kicking Off ...

It's taken me awhile, bit I figured with recent developments in my life that it was time to wax lyrical about a subject of significant importance to me. Something that I expect few people to relate to and the vast majority to scuttle away from any random surf to this page with some combination of shock, embarrassment and revulsion.

That subject is BONDAGE.

Yes, that's right. Primarity this is for me and relates to the new relationship I have with an amazing woman, but I'm posting this in an on-line forum as a way to record important events and as a test of how far I follow through. Will this be my only post for six weeks as I lose interest and move onto other things? Or will this be something I update regularly - complete with pictures to compliment my musings?

We shall see. But for now, I'll simply start with this. Last night, my incredible (and relatively new) girlfriend took it upon herself to buy a ballgag from an adult store - just because she knew I would love it. She went in, tried on a few, picked the one out she liked, and then brought it round to share with me. Not only did she pick the complex harness gag (saying "The other major type had just one strap!"), but she wanted to wear it throughout the next time we made love. Which meant, in the end, she wore it for almost 90 minutes.

Now, I've been into bondage for as long as I can remember, but I've never owned a ballgag. I'd always been too ashamed of my own interests to buy one for any previous partner at a store (though, of course, on-line purchases have become my cheating way of buying other associated fetish items in the past) ; not to mention that most previous partners - whilst tolerating my love of bondage - would have freaked out at the sight of such a complicated and daunting looking gag. So to say I was blown away by my girlfriend's present would be a considerable understatement.

As much as I'd love to share the pictures of her with the gag on, anonymity is essential at present, so you'll have to settle for the picture I took upon discovering that her elbows can virtually touch when tied together! But more on that revelation later.

For now, my blog has begun!