Do I Tell Her?

Let me go back in time a bit. Well, okay, a lot.

I was 18 and had been aware of my "weird" sexual interests for a number of years. I'd fooled around a little in high school but hadn't gotten to the point of being close enough or feeling comfortable enough with any one girl to tell her what I really liked. Then, not long after my 18th birthday I met the girl I'd go on to spend the next five or so years with. If memory serves we slept together for the first time after a couple of months (it was her first time and only my second so you can probably imagine how awkward that was), and soon thereafter I decided to go for broke.

Being 18 and having no clue how to reveal something deeply personal about myself, I think I did reasonably well. Especially given we'd only recently watched Whispers in the Dark - a mainstream film infamous in the bondage community for depicting some intense bondage ideas and imagery, but sadly portrayed all people into the lifestyle as depraved in one form or another - and the girlfriend had been aghast at what happened to the main character in the film. I remember thinking "Oh well, that's it, I'm never going to get to tie her up", but a couple of months later, I started talking about how I wasn't keen to let her go home because we were enjoying ourselves so much. A few more comments along those lines led to her playing along. She'd ask how I planned to stop her, and with a casual smile, I'd respond that I could tie her to my bed. She'd giggle and kiss me and, showing considerable restraint (pun intended), I let the thought sit with her for awhile. Eventually, during one such conversation, I asked if I really could tie her hands to the bed legs (not having a usable bed-head at that point in my life). She was cautious but open to experimenting. So experiment we did ... and a door was opened to a whole new world for me.

(Btw, it's probably obvious, but the image I've used here isn't mine. I simply want to illustrate each post with at least one summarising image, and this one was found randomly on a flickr site. Full credit to the original photographer, but if said person wants it removed, just let me know. Ok, obligatory disclaimer is now done. Back to the blog ...)

I'll come back to talk more about that relationship and the steep learning curve I went through, but I've always been proud of the slow and measured way I managed to "come out". I've used that same technique on any serious relationship I've had since, and I can honestly report it's worked 90% of the time. Bear in mind, I'm obviously not talking about a very short-term casual thing - on those occasions I said nothing and just enjoyed the experience of being with someone new. Even in reference to the 10% of the time it didn't work for me, it wasn't as if the woman in question screamed and charged out of the room, heading to the nearest police station. She was actually quite open, but I never got round to engaging in any bondage with her before she travelled overseas and the relationship came to an end.

All of which is my long-winded way of saying, if bondage is your thing and you're with someone who doesn't know: How much of yourself are you sacrificing for the sake of the relationship? Is it truly worth it? If so, more power to you. But if you have doubts, I'd always advocate openness and honesty.